I've been sick. I've been fighting something respiratory for about a month. As usual with my work on the Seven Habits, reading this 'habit' comes at a very good time. (Check out my posts on the previous habits to see how they resonated with my life at each point. My last post on the Seven Habits, Synergize!, 9/15/11, summarizes some of this.)
This is the last of the Seven Habits. (Stephen Covey has since written a book since called The 8th Habit. Like a lot of books, I might read it some day. Meanwhile, I'm going to stick to the seven.) As Covey says, this is the habit focused on renewal (he subtitles the chapter "Principles of Balanced Self-Renewal") and "the habit that makes all the others possible." In brief, this habit is about taking care of yourself.
Covey sees renewal happening in four 'dimensions': Mental, Physical, Social/Emotional, and Spiritual. (Which is interesting because I've thought of people as being mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual for almost forty years. It was my way of dealing with the 'mind/body problem'--instead of breaking us into two components, I broke us into four because I thought four would be easier to intergrate than two.)
He begins with physical renewal: "...caring effectively for our physical body--eating the right kinds of foods, getting sufficient rest and relaxation, and exercising on a regular basis." He talks about developing endurance (through aerobic exercises), flexibility (through stretching), and strength (through muscle resistance exercises). He relates this to Habit 1, proactivity, in the sense that you need to be consistent and focused to maintain exercise programs in spite of the tendency to want to slack off. Right now, this is the dimension I'm focused on, resting and eating right to make my way back to health, and slowly building back my strength.
Covey then talks about spiritual renewal, saying that "The spiritual dimension is your core, your center, your commitment to your value system." He relates this to Habit 2, your goals, your mission, your 'personal leadership'. For some this has to do with their religious practices, but he is clear that you can also get this from 'great literature or great music' or through communication with nature. The point is to do what you need to do to renew your connection to that which is greater than you. He sees this as something we need to do daily, quoting both Martin Luther ("I have so much to do today, I'll need to spend another hour on my knees.") and 'a Far Eastern Zen master' (who was asked how he was able to always be so serene and answered "I never leave my place of meditation.") I know I am still trying to learn how I can strengthen my connection with both the natural world and that place of love and healing within myself.
He sees the mental dimension as training the mind and continuing education. If we don't keep our minds active and challenged, they atrophy. He claims that we need the self-management of Habit 3 to limit mental junk food (and he particularly singles out television--although mindless internet surfing can be nearly as bad). He talks about the need for all of us to do reading, writing, organizing, and planning. I've seen lots of research claiming that 'mental exercise' (even balancing your checkbook or doing crossword puzzles) is one of the best ways to prevent dementia in old age. Of course, I think that trying to figure out how to solve the world's problems is even better--since the mental work benefits you and potentially what you come up with might benefit many others. I don't particularly think this is an area where I have to worry much. I'm driven to learn and problem-solve--and, of course, this blog is an important part of my mental renewal.
Finally, Stephen Covey connects the emotional dimension to our social life "because our emotional life is primarily, but not exclusively, developed out of and manifested in our relationships with others". Where he sees physical, spiritual, and mental renewal as connected to the habits (1, 2, and 3) he calls "Private Victory", he sees emotional renewal as tied in with what he calls the habits of "Public Victory", Habits 4, 5, and 6: thinking win/win, listening to understand, and achieving synergy. As he says, we can renew the social/emotional part of our lives "in our normal everyday interactions with other people. But it definitely requires exercise." He gives a concrete example of two people having a difficulty. If you're involved in this, it's a chance to assume you and the other person can find a solution that you will both feel good about (Habit 4), to really listen empathically to the point you truly understand what the other person is facing and can communicate it back before trying to explain your point of view (Habit 5), and then to use your new understandings to come up with a solution better than either of the initial proposals (Habit 6). Covey claims "Success in Habits 4, 5, and 6 is not primarily a matter of intellect; it's primarily a matter of emotion. It's highly related to our sense of personal security." Which is why we do our emotional renewal in our daily interactions with others.
You can't just learn this stuff. You've got to practice it constantly. Once again, I'm amazed how much a Mormon businessman has to teach me about personal growth and social change--and, of course, about taking care of myself. I do recommend reading The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. You may find it a lot more useful than you'd think.
Quote of the Day: "...there is no shortcut... The law of harvest governs; we will always reap what we sow--no more, no less. ...we must show diligence in the process of renewal... To keep progressing, we must learn, commit, and do--learn, commit, and do--and learn, commit, and do again." - Stephen Covey
Showing posts with label Habits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Habits. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Synergize!
This is my sixth post on the Seven Habits book. I am going to copy what I wrote in my last post on this (Seek to Understand, 11/11/10) because it's so relevent to what I'm going to write in this post.
"As I've been reading through Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, very slowly, trying to deeply understand each chapter, each of the habits seems to have resonated with what was going on in my life, right at that time.
"Covey's first habit ('Be Proactive') came as I was trying to take control of my life and after being highly influenced by a workshop I took with 'David' (see my post on Deciding, 2/19/10, for more on this). As I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I was reading the chapter on 'Begin with the End in Mind' (see my post, Goals, 5/4/10). Then, as I began to try to figure out how to organize my life, there was his chapter on 'Put First Things First' (which I wrote about in Priorities, 6/26/10). I talked about wanting to take a break from writing about these 'habits' but then I started a thread on this blog about how we could be in a world headed for collapse, which begin focusing on how we could benefit others, and his next chapter, on 'Think Win/Win', fit so beautifully in with this, I had to write about it (see Win/Win, 7/30/10)."
I then wrote how well Covey's fifth habit fit in with the work I was doing with Nonviolent Communication. It's been over ten months since I wrote that last post, but I have been working with trying'seek to understand' and listen and communicate better.
Now, I am in a house full of eight people that is struggling to become a community. I've been thinking for a while I wanted to write on Covey's next habit and when I re-read it, once again it was amazing how much it spoke to what is currently happening in my life.
We are currently trying to schedule our first house meeting. It's a complicated, confusing process. I like everyone and think they each offer something special but I'm afraid that the whole thing isn't going to gel or will take off in some direction that will not be what I want at all. I get anxious and worry. I keep looking at what I've posted by my door: "I can relax and see what unfolds". (See Watching the Process Unfold, 8/1/11.)
This morning, as I was re-reading The Seven Habits, I find this: "Most all creative endeavors are somewhat unpredictable. They often seem ambiguous, hit-or-miss, trial and error. And unless people have a high tolerance for ambiguity and get their security from integrity to principles and inner values they find it unnerving and unpleasant to be involved in highly creative enterprises. Their need for structure, certainty, and predictability is too high." Bingo! A friend of mine said that "Structure Binds Anxiety" is a psychiatric saying. The truth is, I need to build my own inner structure, rather than relying on having a structure around me.
Stephen Covey subtitles the chapter on this habit, "Principles of Creative Communication". He begins by saying; "What is synergy? Simply defined it means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It means the relationship which the parts have is a part in and of itself. It is not only a part, but the most catalytic, the most empowering, the most unifying, and the most exciting part.
"The creative process is also the most terrifying part because you don't know exactly what's going to happen or where it is going to lead. ... It takes an enormous amount of internal security to begin with the spirit of adventure, the spirit of discovery, the spirit of creativity. ... You become a trailblazer, a pathfinder. You open new possibilities, new territories, ... so that others can follow."
Now I just need to remember that as the chaos of building a community continues. Thank you, Stephen Covey. This is just what I needed.
Quote of the Day: "Synergy is everywhere in nature. If you plant two plants close together, the roots will comingle and improve the quality of the soil so that both plants will grow better than if they were separated. ...
"Ecology is a word which basically describes the synergism in nature--everything is related to everything else. ...
"Synergy works.... It is effectiveness in an interdependent reality--it is teamwork, team building, the development of unity and creativity with other human beings." - Stephen Covey
"As I've been reading through Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, very slowly, trying to deeply understand each chapter, each of the habits seems to have resonated with what was going on in my life, right at that time.
"Covey's first habit ('Be Proactive') came as I was trying to take control of my life and after being highly influenced by a workshop I took with 'David' (see my post on Deciding, 2/19/10, for more on this). As I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I was reading the chapter on 'Begin with the End in Mind' (see my post, Goals, 5/4/10). Then, as I began to try to figure out how to organize my life, there was his chapter on 'Put First Things First' (which I wrote about in Priorities, 6/26/10). I talked about wanting to take a break from writing about these 'habits' but then I started a thread on this blog about how we could be in a world headed for collapse, which begin focusing on how we could benefit others, and his next chapter, on 'Think Win/Win', fit so beautifully in with this, I had to write about it (see Win/Win, 7/30/10)."
I then wrote how well Covey's fifth habit fit in with the work I was doing with Nonviolent Communication. It's been over ten months since I wrote that last post, but I have been working with trying'seek to understand' and listen and communicate better.
Now, I am in a house full of eight people that is struggling to become a community. I've been thinking for a while I wanted to write on Covey's next habit and when I re-read it, once again it was amazing how much it spoke to what is currently happening in my life.
We are currently trying to schedule our first house meeting. It's a complicated, confusing process. I like everyone and think they each offer something special but I'm afraid that the whole thing isn't going to gel or will take off in some direction that will not be what I want at all. I get anxious and worry. I keep looking at what I've posted by my door: "I can relax and see what unfolds". (See Watching the Process Unfold, 8/1/11.)
This morning, as I was re-reading The Seven Habits, I find this: "Most all creative endeavors are somewhat unpredictable. They often seem ambiguous, hit-or-miss, trial and error. And unless people have a high tolerance for ambiguity and get their security from integrity to principles and inner values they find it unnerving and unpleasant to be involved in highly creative enterprises. Their need for structure, certainty, and predictability is too high." Bingo! A friend of mine said that "Structure Binds Anxiety" is a psychiatric saying. The truth is, I need to build my own inner structure, rather than relying on having a structure around me.
Stephen Covey subtitles the chapter on this habit, "Principles of Creative Communication". He begins by saying; "What is synergy? Simply defined it means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It means the relationship which the parts have is a part in and of itself. It is not only a part, but the most catalytic, the most empowering, the most unifying, and the most exciting part.
"The creative process is also the most terrifying part because you don't know exactly what's going to happen or where it is going to lead. ... It takes an enormous amount of internal security to begin with the spirit of adventure, the spirit of discovery, the spirit of creativity. ... You become a trailblazer, a pathfinder. You open new possibilities, new territories, ... so that others can follow."
Now I just need to remember that as the chaos of building a community continues. Thank you, Stephen Covey. This is just what I needed.
Quote of the Day: "Synergy is everywhere in nature. If you plant two plants close together, the roots will comingle and improve the quality of the soil so that both plants will grow better than if they were separated. ...
"Ecology is a word which basically describes the synergism in nature--everything is related to everything else. ...
"Synergy works.... It is effectiveness in an interdependent reality--it is teamwork, team building, the development of unity and creativity with other human beings." - Stephen Covey
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Seek to Understand
As I've been reading through Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, very slowly, trying to deeply understand each chapter, each of the habits seems to have resonated with what was going on in my life, right at that time.
Covey's first habit ('Be Proactive') came as I was trying to take control of my life and after being highly influenced by a workshop I took with 'David' (see my post on Deciding, 2/19/10, for more on this). As I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I was reading the chapter on 'Begin with the End in Mind' (see my post, Goals, 5/4/10). Then, as I began to try to figure out how to organize my life, there was his chapter on 'Put First Things First' (which I wrote about in Priorities, 6/26/10). I talked about wanting to take a break from writing about these 'habits' but then I started a thread on this blog about how we could be in a world headed for collapse, which begin focusing on how we could benefit others, and his next chapter, on 'Think Win/Win', fit so beautifully in with this, I had to write about it (see Win/Win, 7/30/10).
Now I have taken a break, mostly because I have been struggling with the content of Covey's next habit--one that may be critical to the way I want to make my life and one that's been very hard to for me to implement. Fortunately, without any planning on my part, a small group coalesced around me and we have been focusing on 'Nonviolent Communication' (aka NVC, which I will write more on in my next post). NVC, which was developed by Marshall Rosenberg, seems a deeper, more developed version of Covey's fifth habit, which he calls, 'Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood'. The amazing back and forth of reading Covey and Rosenberg, reminds me on the way I was supported on learning Covey's first habit by my workshop with David. It's almost as if life really wants me to learn these habits and is giving me the support that I need, right as I need it. (I will talk more about this in my next post.)
Covey talks about four 'autobiographical' (as in, more related to what is going on with us than what the other person is saying) responses that we usually give others: we evaluate (do we agree with this?), we probe (asking questions that come mostly from our own frame of reference), we advise (counseling others from our own experience), or we interpret (figuring others out by how we see motives and behavior).
He also talks about the four stages of what he calls 'empathic listening': the first is just to mimic content--reflect back just what the person is saying. More advanced is to rephrase what the person is saying. Even more advanced is to reflect back the feeling from the person rather than the content. Covey's fourth, and most advanced stage, of empathic listening is to combine a paraphrase of what the person is saying with reflection of the feeling.
Stephen Covey is clear here that this just can't be a technique. You need to be serious and sincere to do this right. That's why this is the fifth habit in the book. All the character building of the first four habits are used here. You need to be real, you need to be present, you need to listen, and you need to let the other person know you are listening through giving them back both the content of what they are saying and the feeling behind it. Sometimes you won't get it right but you need to stay with the person and what they are saying until both of you are clear that you indeed understand.
Beyond this, you need to be able to then make yourself understood, but only after you have let the other person know (through empathic listening) that you have understood them. Covey cites a Greek phrase: ethos, pathos, logos. Ethos is your character, your ethics. Pathos is the emotional, empathic response. Logos is logical, rational side of the explanation. He points out that the order is very important. First, build your character, then, really understand the other person's feelings, and only after all that, apply reasoning to what you are trying to say.
All this is related to his last habit, 'Think Win/Win'. First, you have to believe it's possible. This is how to achieve it.
Quote of the Day: "'Seek first to understand' involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. ...
"Empathic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person's frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel. ...
"Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you're dealing with the reality inside another person's head and heart." - Stephen Covey
Covey's first habit ('Be Proactive') came as I was trying to take control of my life and after being highly influenced by a workshop I took with 'David' (see my post on Deciding, 2/19/10, for more on this). As I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I was reading the chapter on 'Begin with the End in Mind' (see my post, Goals, 5/4/10). Then, as I began to try to figure out how to organize my life, there was his chapter on 'Put First Things First' (which I wrote about in Priorities, 6/26/10). I talked about wanting to take a break from writing about these 'habits' but then I started a thread on this blog about how we could be in a world headed for collapse, which begin focusing on how we could benefit others, and his next chapter, on 'Think Win/Win', fit so beautifully in with this, I had to write about it (see Win/Win, 7/30/10).
Now I have taken a break, mostly because I have been struggling with the content of Covey's next habit--one that may be critical to the way I want to make my life and one that's been very hard to for me to implement. Fortunately, without any planning on my part, a small group coalesced around me and we have been focusing on 'Nonviolent Communication' (aka NVC, which I will write more on in my next post). NVC, which was developed by Marshall Rosenberg, seems a deeper, more developed version of Covey's fifth habit, which he calls, 'Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood'. The amazing back and forth of reading Covey and Rosenberg, reminds me on the way I was supported on learning Covey's first habit by my workshop with David. It's almost as if life really wants me to learn these habits and is giving me the support that I need, right as I need it. (I will talk more about this in my next post.)
Covey talks about four 'autobiographical' (as in, more related to what is going on with us than what the other person is saying) responses that we usually give others: we evaluate (do we agree with this?), we probe (asking questions that come mostly from our own frame of reference), we advise (counseling others from our own experience), or we interpret (figuring others out by how we see motives and behavior).
He also talks about the four stages of what he calls 'empathic listening': the first is just to mimic content--reflect back just what the person is saying. More advanced is to rephrase what the person is saying. Even more advanced is to reflect back the feeling from the person rather than the content. Covey's fourth, and most advanced stage, of empathic listening is to combine a paraphrase of what the person is saying with reflection of the feeling.
Stephen Covey is clear here that this just can't be a technique. You need to be serious and sincere to do this right. That's why this is the fifth habit in the book. All the character building of the first four habits are used here. You need to be real, you need to be present, you need to listen, and you need to let the other person know you are listening through giving them back both the content of what they are saying and the feeling behind it. Sometimes you won't get it right but you need to stay with the person and what they are saying until both of you are clear that you indeed understand.
Beyond this, you need to be able to then make yourself understood, but only after you have let the other person know (through empathic listening) that you have understood them. Covey cites a Greek phrase: ethos, pathos, logos. Ethos is your character, your ethics. Pathos is the emotional, empathic response. Logos is logical, rational side of the explanation. He points out that the order is very important. First, build your character, then, really understand the other person's feelings, and only after all that, apply reasoning to what you are trying to say.
All this is related to his last habit, 'Think Win/Win'. First, you have to believe it's possible. This is how to achieve it.
Quote of the Day: "'Seek first to understand' involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. ...
"Empathic (from empathy) listening gets inside another person's frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel. ...
"Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you're dealing with the reality inside another person's head and heart." - Stephen Covey
Friday, July 30, 2010
Win/Win
After my last three posts on Stephen Covey's 7 Habits (see Deciding, 2/19/10, Goals, 5/4/10, and Priorities, 6/26/10), I decided that I would wait a while before writing another post on the books. But as I've been writing this latest series of posts (starting with Social Change: My View, 6/29/10, and going through Benefiting Others, 7/21/10), I could see a direction emerging and realized that Steven Covey's fourth habit (the next one in the series) fits in very well at this point. He entitles this habit 'Think Win/Win'.
Covey sees his first three habits as basic to personal change and collectively groups them in a section he calls "Private Victory". His fourth habit marks his movement toward habits that he sees as affecting what we do in the world and so this is the first habit he puts in the section he calls "Public Victory".
Stephen Covey claims that there are six 'paradigms of human interaction': Win/Win, Win/Lose, Lose/Win, Lose/Lose, Win, and Win/Win or No Deal. Most of us are familiar with Win/Lose--it's the competitive mentality that is prevalent in this society. Lose/Win is the converse, the 'I give up, you win' mentality, what Covey refers to as 'please or appease'. Lose/Lose is worse--it's the 'if I can't win, you can't either' mentality of embittered revenge. 'Win' is the mentality of the driven person who doesn't care if you lose or win as long as they win--this is also the disaster mentality where someone can only focus on saving themselves and their family.
Win/Win is the cooperative, community vision which assumes that the best possible outcome is one in which everyone wins. This is very closely related to a couple of the principles that I talked about when I started this blog, that we are all selfish and we are all connected (see Two Basic Principles, 6/30/08). Win/Win sees this and sees that, since we are connected, we win as others win. In a very real sense, we can only win when everyone wins.
This 'habit' is based strongly on Covey's first three habits. You need to be proactive and focused in order to be able to keep the promises and commitments you need to do in order to practice Win/Win. Covey claims you need integrity and maturity to be able to 'Think Win/Win'. He defines maturity as "the balance between courage and consideration". Someone with a lot of courage but little consideration probably thinks 'Win/Lose', just as someone with a lot of consideration but little courage probably thinks 'Lose/Win'. Covey believes the 'Lose/Lose' people have neither courage or consideration. In order to practice Win/Win, you need to be able to 'empathically understand' and also be willing to 'courageously confront.' Covey also claims that you need to have an 'Abundance Mentality' to really do Win/Win well. (I plan on writing more on the Abundance Mentality in my next post.)
There's one paradigm that I mentioned above that I haven't covered, and that's what Covey calls 'Win/Win or No Deal'. This lets you have a fall back in case you can't reach an agreement with someone. It means either you come up with a solution or agreement where everyone wins, or you agree to disagree and just go your separate ways. While this isn't always possible, sometimes it makes a difficult situation easier. When it just isn't possible to get Win/Win, this is much better than moving to Win/Lose or Lose/Win.
The most important thing about Win/Win is that it's all about relationships. It's all about building trust. It's all about seeing the possibility of everyone winning. And, yes, it's about benefiting others--and benefiting yourself as part of this. If you see us as all connected, I think that it's the only way to go.
Quote of the Day: "Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as if there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a bigger piece of the pie, it would mean less for everyone else...
"The Abundance Mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment of Habits 1, 2, and 3 and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third Alternatives.
"Public Victory does not mean victory over other people. It means success in effective interaction that brings mutually beneficial results to everyone involved. Public Victory means working together, communicating together, making things happen together that even the same people couldn't make happen by working independently..." - Stephen Covey
Covey sees his first three habits as basic to personal change and collectively groups them in a section he calls "Private Victory". His fourth habit marks his movement toward habits that he sees as affecting what we do in the world and so this is the first habit he puts in the section he calls "Public Victory".
Stephen Covey claims that there are six 'paradigms of human interaction': Win/Win, Win/Lose, Lose/Win, Lose/Lose, Win, and Win/Win or No Deal. Most of us are familiar with Win/Lose--it's the competitive mentality that is prevalent in this society. Lose/Win is the converse, the 'I give up, you win' mentality, what Covey refers to as 'please or appease'. Lose/Lose is worse--it's the 'if I can't win, you can't either' mentality of embittered revenge. 'Win' is the mentality of the driven person who doesn't care if you lose or win as long as they win--this is also the disaster mentality where someone can only focus on saving themselves and their family.
Win/Win is the cooperative, community vision which assumes that the best possible outcome is one in which everyone wins. This is very closely related to a couple of the principles that I talked about when I started this blog, that we are all selfish and we are all connected (see Two Basic Principles, 6/30/08). Win/Win sees this and sees that, since we are connected, we win as others win. In a very real sense, we can only win when everyone wins.
This 'habit' is based strongly on Covey's first three habits. You need to be proactive and focused in order to be able to keep the promises and commitments you need to do in order to practice Win/Win. Covey claims you need integrity and maturity to be able to 'Think Win/Win'. He defines maturity as "the balance between courage and consideration". Someone with a lot of courage but little consideration probably thinks 'Win/Lose', just as someone with a lot of consideration but little courage probably thinks 'Lose/Win'. Covey believes the 'Lose/Lose' people have neither courage or consideration. In order to practice Win/Win, you need to be able to 'empathically understand' and also be willing to 'courageously confront.' Covey also claims that you need to have an 'Abundance Mentality' to really do Win/Win well. (I plan on writing more on the Abundance Mentality in my next post.)
There's one paradigm that I mentioned above that I haven't covered, and that's what Covey calls 'Win/Win or No Deal'. This lets you have a fall back in case you can't reach an agreement with someone. It means either you come up with a solution or agreement where everyone wins, or you agree to disagree and just go your separate ways. While this isn't always possible, sometimes it makes a difficult situation easier. When it just isn't possible to get Win/Win, this is much better than moving to Win/Lose or Lose/Win.
The most important thing about Win/Win is that it's all about relationships. It's all about building trust. It's all about seeing the possibility of everyone winning. And, yes, it's about benefiting others--and benefiting yourself as part of this. If you see us as all connected, I think that it's the only way to go.
Quote of the Day: "Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as if there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a bigger piece of the pie, it would mean less for everyone else...
"The Abundance Mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment of Habits 1, 2, and 3 and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third Alternatives.
"Public Victory does not mean victory over other people. It means success in effective interaction that brings mutually beneficial results to everyone involved. Public Victory means working together, communicating together, making things happen together that even the same people couldn't make happen by working independently..." - Stephen Covey
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Priorities
This is the third in a series of occasional posts based on Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I've written about his first 'Habit' in my post on Deciding (2/19/10). I tackled his second 'Habit' in a post called Goals (5/4/10). One of the first things Stephen Covey makes clear is that his third Habit comes directly as a result of the first two.
First, you have to decide that you are going to be the person you want to be. Then, you have to decide what your goals, your personal mission, your vision, is. Once you have done those two things, then, if you really want to achieve your goals, you need to prioritize.
My friend Susan should be famous for this quote: "Sometimes what you decide not to do is as important as what you decide to do." I've often said that people can do anything (almost) that they want; they just can't do everything that they want.
Steven Covey entitles this Habit as "Put First Things First". (And, in fact, he has co-authored another book entitled, First Things First.) This means deciding what you are going to do and what you're not going to do. It means establishing priorities and keeping them in mind as you go through your day.
He claims that most activities are defined by whether they are urgent and whether they are important. Obviously, the things that are both urgent and important get our attention first, as well they should. But Covey points out that things that are urgent but not important also easily claim our attention. And sometimes, when we are overwhelmed or burnedout, we escape into activities that are neither urgent or important. What gets neglected are the things that are important but not urgent.
When we prioritize, we focus on what is important to us--urgent or not. Covey makes it clear that when we take care of the stuff that is important but not urgent, we can cut down on the amount of urgent and important things, mostly because we dealt with them before they became urgent. He also urges that we cut the things that aren't important out of our life--urgent or not.
How do we know what is important? It's back to Habit 2--is this something that will move us toward our goals?
A lot of this chapter is about organizers and Covey's version of important and urgent as 'Quadrants' but I think what is important here is to find a way to focus your life, to establish and follow through on your priorities. He suggests weekly planning. I now start each week with a to-do list based on my roles in life (which are defined by goals) with columns for daily activities, things for the week, and long-term--but you'll need to find something that will work for you. The hard part, and the most important part, is to really focus on what is important to you and to priorize that and let go of most of the rest.
Quote of the Day: "Returning once more to the computer metaphor, if Habit 1 says 'You're the programmer' and Habit 2 says 'Write the program,' then Habit 3 says 'Run the program,' 'Live the program.' And living it is primarily a function of ... our self-discipline, our integrity, and our committment--not to short-term goals and schedules or to the impulse of the moment, but to ... our own deepest values, which give meaning and context to our goals, our schedules, and our lives." - Stephen Covey
First, you have to decide that you are going to be the person you want to be. Then, you have to decide what your goals, your personal mission, your vision, is. Once you have done those two things, then, if you really want to achieve your goals, you need to prioritize.
My friend Susan should be famous for this quote: "Sometimes what you decide not to do is as important as what you decide to do." I've often said that people can do anything (almost) that they want; they just can't do everything that they want.
Steven Covey entitles this Habit as "Put First Things First". (And, in fact, he has co-authored another book entitled, First Things First.) This means deciding what you are going to do and what you're not going to do. It means establishing priorities and keeping them in mind as you go through your day.
He claims that most activities are defined by whether they are urgent and whether they are important. Obviously, the things that are both urgent and important get our attention first, as well they should. But Covey points out that things that are urgent but not important also easily claim our attention. And sometimes, when we are overwhelmed or burnedout, we escape into activities that are neither urgent or important. What gets neglected are the things that are important but not urgent.
When we prioritize, we focus on what is important to us--urgent or not. Covey makes it clear that when we take care of the stuff that is important but not urgent, we can cut down on the amount of urgent and important things, mostly because we dealt with them before they became urgent. He also urges that we cut the things that aren't important out of our life--urgent or not.
How do we know what is important? It's back to Habit 2--is this something that will move us toward our goals?
A lot of this chapter is about organizers and Covey's version of important and urgent as 'Quadrants' but I think what is important here is to find a way to focus your life, to establish and follow through on your priorities. He suggests weekly planning. I now start each week with a to-do list based on my roles in life (which are defined by goals) with columns for daily activities, things for the week, and long-term--but you'll need to find something that will work for you. The hard part, and the most important part, is to really focus on what is important to you and to priorize that and let go of most of the rest.
Quote of the Day: "Returning once more to the computer metaphor, if Habit 1 says 'You're the programmer' and Habit 2 says 'Write the program,' then Habit 3 says 'Run the program,' 'Live the program.' And living it is primarily a function of ... our self-discipline, our integrity, and our committment--not to short-term goals and schedules or to the impulse of the moment, but to ... our own deepest values, which give meaning and context to our goals, our schedules, and our lives." - Stephen Covey
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Goals
I am slowly making my way through Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (aka Seven Habits). I've decided that I will write periodic posts on my take on each of the habits. (If you want Stephen Covey's take, read the book. Honestly, it's a really useful read.)
I wrote about the first habit, being proactive, in my post on Deciding (2/19/10). This post is about the second habit, which Covey calls 'Begin with the End in Mind'.
Covey starts by talking about the difference between leaders and managers. He thinks that they're both necessary--and each of us needs to be able to lead and manage, at least in regards to our own life. To illustrate what he is talking about, he pictures producers (the ones doing the work) as cutting their way through a rainforest with machetes. The managers are the ones who make sure that they are well supplied with sharp machetes and anything else they need in order to do their work. The leader is the one who climbs the tallest tree and surveys the land around them. And sometimes the leader realizes that the situation is not right and yells, "Wrong jungle!" And Covey claims that the managers and producers, more often than not, yell back, "Shut up! We're making progress."
The first step in remaking your life, is to be proactive, but once you have decided to be proactive, the next step is to figure out what your goals are. Without doing this, you can make lots of progress, but still be in the 'wrong jungle'. It reminds me of when someone wanted me to join a revolutionary organization and I wanted to know what their aims were. I didn't care what great actions they were doing as much as where they were headed. I feel the same way about intentional communities--I want to know what they want to achieve. I've made the comparison to getting on a bus; I wouldn't board a bus in the city before I checked its destination.
So what are your goals? How do you know what you want to be doing? What are the key values that you live by? Covey suggests making a 'Personal Mission Statement' to make sure that you have your direction clear. I found this useful to focus on what I find most important and to shape my life from there. (Yes, corporate executives write Mission Statements, but I suspect their missions are quite different from mine. I think anyone could benefit from trying to figure out what is important to them and using this to organize their lives.)
He further talks about 'Roles and Goals': what roles do you play in your life and what are your goals for each of those roles? The point is to have all this in line with what you see your mission as.
I first read Seven Habits years ago, but I wasn't ready to focus my life at that point. Now, with a clear sense of mission in my mind, with my life's goals in front of me, I am able to focus myself on accomplishing what is important to me. Before I try to start accomplishing things, I look to see if I am in the right 'jungle'. The next step is to begin the work.
Quote of the Day: "How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most." - Stephen Covey
I wrote about the first habit, being proactive, in my post on Deciding (2/19/10). This post is about the second habit, which Covey calls 'Begin with the End in Mind'.
Covey starts by talking about the difference between leaders and managers. He thinks that they're both necessary--and each of us needs to be able to lead and manage, at least in regards to our own life. To illustrate what he is talking about, he pictures producers (the ones doing the work) as cutting their way through a rainforest with machetes. The managers are the ones who make sure that they are well supplied with sharp machetes and anything else they need in order to do their work. The leader is the one who climbs the tallest tree and surveys the land around them. And sometimes the leader realizes that the situation is not right and yells, "Wrong jungle!" And Covey claims that the managers and producers, more often than not, yell back, "Shut up! We're making progress."
The first step in remaking your life, is to be proactive, but once you have decided to be proactive, the next step is to figure out what your goals are. Without doing this, you can make lots of progress, but still be in the 'wrong jungle'. It reminds me of when someone wanted me to join a revolutionary organization and I wanted to know what their aims were. I didn't care what great actions they were doing as much as where they were headed. I feel the same way about intentional communities--I want to know what they want to achieve. I've made the comparison to getting on a bus; I wouldn't board a bus in the city before I checked its destination.
So what are your goals? How do you know what you want to be doing? What are the key values that you live by? Covey suggests making a 'Personal Mission Statement' to make sure that you have your direction clear. I found this useful to focus on what I find most important and to shape my life from there. (Yes, corporate executives write Mission Statements, but I suspect their missions are quite different from mine. I think anyone could benefit from trying to figure out what is important to them and using this to organize their lives.)
He further talks about 'Roles and Goals': what roles do you play in your life and what are your goals for each of those roles? The point is to have all this in line with what you see your mission as.
I first read Seven Habits years ago, but I wasn't ready to focus my life at that point. Now, with a clear sense of mission in my mind, with my life's goals in front of me, I am able to focus myself on accomplishing what is important to me. Before I try to start accomplishing things, I look to see if I am in the right 'jungle'. The next step is to begin the work.
Quote of the Day: "How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most." - Stephen Covey
Friday, February 19, 2010
Deciding
What does a gay co-counseling leader have in common with a Mormon business consultant?
"David Nijinsky " (not his real name--and that's a long story) is the Assistant Liberation Reference Person for Gay Men in Re-evaluation Counseling, also known as co-counseling.
I was a co-counselor for many years and I think it is an extremely worthwhile tool for personal growth. It's a process for listening to another person and encouraging them to 'discharge'--basically, a process of emotional catharsis--in order to free up their thinking. This allows them to 're-evaluate' their experiences. I've been to a number of co-counseling classes and workshops, but David's workshop for Gay and Bisexual Men that I went to in 2007 was by far the best workshop I've taken.
I went because I'm bisexual and wanted to explore a bit more about my sexuality. I expected a workshop focused on issues around sexuality and discrimination, and there was a bit of that. But the real focus of the workshop was on working on ourselves in order to be better agents of social change. David was very clear that he was urging us, in whatever way we felt appropriate, to make change in the world. His stated goals began with 'An end to Gay oppression' and went onto the 'Complete transformation of society'. He even used the word 'revolution' several times--the first time I've heard it seriously advocated since the eighties.
Even when he dealt with issues about shame and guilt around sexuality, he made it clear that he wanted us to move beyond them so we could be more effective in the world. He told us the reason to work on this stuff was "It's not that we're bad and need to be fixed, it's that we're important and we need our minds."
But David's main message was that we needed to decide how we wanted to be in the world. He pointed out that walking with an attitude of despair was not conducive to influencing people to change. He said that being hopeful wasn't a feeling, it was a decision. Being completely confident, according to David, is a decision. He put signs on the wall that said: "HOPE ", "CONFIDENCE", "ENTHUSIASM", and "UNITY", and he expected us to decide to be hopeful, confident, and enthusiastic.
In co-counseling, one of the tools that's used is what's called a 'direction'. It's a statement that is expected to bring up feelings but often points us toward where the counselor or leader thinks we should be going. David's direction that year for gay and bisexual men was that we should say: "From now on, I will fit in, at the center, WANTED, CONNECTED, CONFIDENT, CO-OPERATIVE, and IN CHARGE, and I will see to it that everything around me goes well, ESPECIALLY MY LIFE." I now say a variation on that every morning as I start my day. I think that it's an incredibly useful direction/affirmation/pledge (or whatever you need to call it) for everyone, gay or bi or straight, male or female, trans or cis. Try saying it slowly, pausing at the commas, and see how well it fits what you are doing in your life. This is about deciding how you want to be in your life.
Stephen Covey is a Mormon, a business management consultant, and a professor in the School of Business at Utah State University. His book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, has sold more than 15 million copies since it was first published in 1989. One of the blurbs inside (and there are seven pages of blurbs inside my copy of the book) is from USA Today, claiming "Covey is the hottest self-improvement consultant to hit US business since Dale Carnegie." He is not someone I would expect to be a major influence in my life.
But the book, The Seven Habits, is just very, very useful. It is a straight foreward blueprint on how to change your life and is as helpful to those wanting to change society as it is for those wanting to rise on the corporate ladder. I hope to do a whole post on it in the future. (Or maybe I'll cover it a chapter at a time...)
The first chapter in The Seven Habits focuses on first habit: to 'Be Proactive'. Covey begins by telling the story of Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who was put in a concentration camp by the Nazis. There he was subject to dehumanizing treatment. Frankl lost all of his freedoms except what he called "the last of the human freedoms"--being able to choose how all of this would affect him. In other words, no matter what the situation, he was responsible for his attitude. Covey goes on to quote Eleanor Roosevelt ("No one can hurt you without your consent.") and Gandhi ("They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them."). He differentiates proactive and reactive people by saying that "Proactive people can carry their own weather with them."
Covey talks about the differences in the language of reactive and proactive people. Reactive people say things like "There's nothing I can do," "That's just the way I am," "I have to do that," "I can't," and "I must." Proactive people say, "Let's look at our alternatives," "I can choose a different approach," "I will choose an appropriate response," "I choose," "I prefer," and "I will." He claims reactive people focus on the "Have's", as in "If only I had...", "If I could just have...", and "I'll be happy when I have..." In contrast, proactive folks focus on the "Be's": "I can be more patient, be wise, be loving. ... I can be more resourceful, I can be more diligent, I can be more creative, I can be more cooperative."
Stephen Covey says that "the very heart" of this approach is when we are willing to make (and keep!) commitments and promises. In other words, we need to make decisions. We get to choose who we are. We are responsible for how we are. This is where a gay counseling leader and a Mormon business consultant (not to mention a Jewish psychiatrist who survived the concentration camps) agree. No matter what the circumstances, you get to choose your attitude. You get to choose your response. It may be hard, but it's still your choice. You decide.
Quote of the Day: "..love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. ...
"Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self... Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions." - Stephen Covey
"David Nijinsky " (not his real name--and that's a long story) is the Assistant Liberation Reference Person for Gay Men in Re-evaluation Counseling, also known as co-counseling.
I was a co-counselor for many years and I think it is an extremely worthwhile tool for personal growth. It's a process for listening to another person and encouraging them to 'discharge'--basically, a process of emotional catharsis--in order to free up their thinking. This allows them to 're-evaluate' their experiences. I've been to a number of co-counseling classes and workshops, but David's workshop for Gay and Bisexual Men that I went to in 2007 was by far the best workshop I've taken.
I went because I'm bisexual and wanted to explore a bit more about my sexuality. I expected a workshop focused on issues around sexuality and discrimination, and there was a bit of that. But the real focus of the workshop was on working on ourselves in order to be better agents of social change. David was very clear that he was urging us, in whatever way we felt appropriate, to make change in the world. His stated goals began with 'An end to Gay oppression' and went onto the 'Complete transformation of society'. He even used the word 'revolution' several times--the first time I've heard it seriously advocated since the eighties.
Even when he dealt with issues about shame and guilt around sexuality, he made it clear that he wanted us to move beyond them so we could be more effective in the world. He told us the reason to work on this stuff was "It's not that we're bad and need to be fixed, it's that we're important and we need our minds."
But David's main message was that we needed to decide how we wanted to be in the world. He pointed out that walking with an attitude of despair was not conducive to influencing people to change. He said that being hopeful wasn't a feeling, it was a decision. Being completely confident, according to David, is a decision. He put signs on the wall that said: "HOPE ", "CONFIDENCE", "ENTHUSIASM", and "UNITY", and he expected us to decide to be hopeful, confident, and enthusiastic.
In co-counseling, one of the tools that's used is what's called a 'direction'. It's a statement that is expected to bring up feelings but often points us toward where the counselor or leader thinks we should be going. David's direction that year for gay and bisexual men was that we should say: "From now on, I will fit in, at the center, WANTED, CONNECTED, CONFIDENT, CO-OPERATIVE, and IN CHARGE, and I will see to it that everything around me goes well, ESPECIALLY MY LIFE." I now say a variation on that every morning as I start my day. I think that it's an incredibly useful direction/affirmation/pledge (or whatever you need to call it) for everyone, gay or bi or straight, male or female, trans or cis. Try saying it slowly, pausing at the commas, and see how well it fits what you are doing in your life. This is about deciding how you want to be in your life.
Stephen Covey is a Mormon, a business management consultant, and a professor in the School of Business at Utah State University. His book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, has sold more than 15 million copies since it was first published in 1989. One of the blurbs inside (and there are seven pages of blurbs inside my copy of the book) is from USA Today, claiming "Covey is the hottest self-improvement consultant to hit US business since Dale Carnegie." He is not someone I would expect to be a major influence in my life.
But the book, The Seven Habits, is just very, very useful. It is a straight foreward blueprint on how to change your life and is as helpful to those wanting to change society as it is for those wanting to rise on the corporate ladder. I hope to do a whole post on it in the future. (Or maybe I'll cover it a chapter at a time...)
The first chapter in The Seven Habits focuses on first habit: to 'Be Proactive'. Covey begins by telling the story of Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who was put in a concentration camp by the Nazis. There he was subject to dehumanizing treatment. Frankl lost all of his freedoms except what he called "the last of the human freedoms"--being able to choose how all of this would affect him. In other words, no matter what the situation, he was responsible for his attitude. Covey goes on to quote Eleanor Roosevelt ("No one can hurt you without your consent.") and Gandhi ("They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them."). He differentiates proactive and reactive people by saying that "Proactive people can carry their own weather with them."
Covey talks about the differences in the language of reactive and proactive people. Reactive people say things like "There's nothing I can do," "That's just the way I am," "I have to do that," "I can't," and "I must." Proactive people say, "Let's look at our alternatives," "I can choose a different approach," "I will choose an appropriate response," "I choose," "I prefer," and "I will." He claims reactive people focus on the "Have's", as in "If only I had...", "If I could just have...", and "I'll be happy when I have..." In contrast, proactive folks focus on the "Be's": "I can be more patient, be wise, be loving. ... I can be more resourceful, I can be more diligent, I can be more creative, I can be more cooperative."
Stephen Covey says that "the very heart" of this approach is when we are willing to make (and keep!) commitments and promises. In other words, we need to make decisions. We get to choose who we are. We are responsible for how we are. This is where a gay counseling leader and a Mormon business consultant (not to mention a Jewish psychiatrist who survived the concentration camps) agree. No matter what the circumstances, you get to choose your attitude. You get to choose your response. It may be hard, but it's still your choice. You decide.
Quote of the Day: "..love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. ...
"Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self... Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions." - Stephen Covey
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