Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Second Thoughts

This isn't one of the posts that I was planning to write. (See my last post, 'Step Back and Look Ahead', for more.) But a couple of things happened.

The first is simple. I was trying so hard to get a post out, I put it up before I realized there were a couple of other things I wanted to include.

I realized that a few of the things that I put in recent posts, I've rethought. No big changes, just a little tweaking. In fact, much of what I do day to day, I tweak regularly. For example, if I was writing the post 'And Their Four Offspring' (2/24/10) now, I would probably make the offspring, Kindness, Patience, Forgiveness, and Generosity--I see Healing as something that comes out of the practice of these virtues, an emergent property, if you will. I am planning to write an upcoming post on Healing and Social Change. I would also add Mystery to the sources of my spirituality (see the post Evolving My Spirituality, 3/5/10). And, yes, I plan to write a future post on Mystery.

However, the bigger reason I am writing this, is an abrupt shift in what I am doing. I am still (perpetually) seeking community. Recently I gave notice at my house (see my last post) and started to look for an apartment to have to create a small, 'proto-community'. I wasn't very successful at this. The final blow was when I real estate agent informed me that I would need to have housemates to finalize a deal with a landlord (who would want to meet all these people). I realized that I needed the place in order to advertise for the people but it seemed like I needed the people in order to secure the place. The agent said it wouldn't be a problem if it was only going to take a couple of days to find the people--the problem was I expected to take a month finding them. I know how long housemate searches take, and I expected mine to take even longer since I was starting from scratch. Leaving the agency, I realized what was feeling wrong. I have never done this by myself before, and it stopped making sense. I had said that I didn't want this to be 'my community' but here I was doing it alone. This wasn't how I wanted to build community.

I went back to my house and asked if I could retract my notice. At this point the others had one interview with someone they liked (but who wasn't urgent about moving) and were preparing to have dinner with the person in hopes this could be a simple process. I was embarrassed and worried that my housemates would be annoyed. Instead, the first one I spoke with said she was relieved, a second said he was very happy and gave me a big hug, and the third sent me an email entitled 'Welcome Back' and said she was 'Dee-lighted' with my decision. My friends have been supportive and also relieved. I am still embarrassed but I think that it was the right decision. Everyone (including my housemates) is clear that I do plan to try to do this again in the future, but first, I plan to find at least one person (maybe more) to begin doing this with. I've always said that you can't build community by yourself--the biggest need in community is people. Yet, this time I had to be hit in the face with it.

When I ask one of my housemates why something-or-other didn't happen, she often replies "It's an evolving situation". This is life. I am trying to do a bunch of things and learning along the way. Sometimes I have second thoughts. Hey, "It's an evolving situation."

Quote of the Day: "All is flux; nothing stays still." - Heraclitus


Austan said...

The older I get, the more I feel life is a lot like the Wizard of Oz. I've gone all over the place, only to realize that I already had what I was looking for, it just hadn't seemed to me that it was. Thanks for all your thoughtful, honest posts.

MoonRaven said...

Thanks for your comment--and all your support. There really is " place like home..."